Sunday, March 23, 2008
"To There and Back, a tale by Dildo Bogan" or "How Far to the Next Watering Hole?"
Okay, fast forward to December. I had just spent 2 months on site in QLD, and I came back to Kalgoorlie to pack my bags for my international trip that would take place at the end of January. I got sauced on Christmas Eve and had an unfortunate run-in with a Hill’s Hoist (a medieval torture device/rotating clothesline that dots Aussie backyards across the country). I wrecked my eye, but kept partying like a champ. It seems every time I drink in mass quantities, I experience something that makes me more and more Australian. The number of Aussie youths impaled by a Hill’s Hoist during summertime cricket games would be mind-boggling I’m sure. Add a pissed-up Seppo to the count now. So then I go back to Cannington on New Year’s Eve.
Fast forward again to January 25th. I fly off of site to Townsville, where I proceed to the bar to meet up with an old friend who now lives and works above the arctic circle in Canada. Booze, food, you know the deal. One of the group decides we should move the party somewhere else, like the pub. Half of the group leaves, and it is down to 5 of us (2 of which are uni vacation students who work at the mine). So we proceed to do what we do, like Jaegar bombs and “suitcases”. Let me explain the suitcase. 1 shot of Jack Daniels, 1 shot of lime juice. Mix in the mouth and hold it until the “suitcase master” tells you to swallow. It’s all about punishment. Your entire mouth goes numb, and once you do swallow it, lime and Jacks is not what you would call the ultimate in taste sensations! I decide at 4am it is time to leave, as I have a taxi coming at 4:45am to take me to the airport to board the series of 4 flights that would land me in New Orleans over the course of the next 18 hours. Shower, pack, taxi, fly, fly, fly, fly…The Big Easy, yay! 
So I do this conference thingy, where I present a paper that either nobody understands, or it is so magnificently written that nobody can criticize a single word. Bourbon Street is tame the week before Mardi Gras, and just as I’m leaving N.O., people start arriving for the festivities. My next few stops are as such: Arkansas, Texas, Arkansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Texas. Each stop had its highs and lows, riddled with a couple of drunken tirades (thanks to beer, beer pong, wine, and liquor). As I remember the events:
1) Being the “significant other” at a hospital….pull the plug!
2) Boozin’ it up with the chicas at a swank club in D-town
3) My first encounter with real sushi and a faucet that was an engineers’ nightmare
4) Blue Hawaii Boone’s Farm
5) Redneck B-boys
6) Curiously ignorant wife sending her husband off to copulate with another crack-head girl
7) Beer pong with youngsters (where I got my ass handed to me)
8) Tearing a tin roof off
9) Ice storm
10) Midnight run to Tunica
11) Sassy waitress in the Flying Saucer and Irish Car Bombs
12) Losing my ass in Tunica (X 5)
13) Having enough comp points to buy a meal in Tunica (high-roller, baby)
14) Italian dinner with a moderately temperamental young lady
15) Ghost Hunters International
16) Texas Frightmare Weekend with bubby (see below with Malachai from Children of the Corn)
All in all, a fully-booked trip. I may go back and fill in some of the blanks, but don’t count on it.
So then I board a plane in Dallas for London. This is my first time in Europe, and I am looking forward to getting the stamp of another continent in my passport. I land in London, take the train into the city to my hostel, and store my bags. 1 hour after I arrive, I am on a walking tour of “Old London”, starting at the Tower Bridge and ending near Westminster lane. 3 hours of information and a great way to earmark the places you would like to go back to eventually if you had more time. The guide was excellent (thank you James), and the tour was technically free, but they did accept donations. It was a great tour, so I gave him 15 quid (roughly $30). Now there is something you have to understand about London. The GBP is about 2X the USD and the Aussie dollar, but you have to think of it as a dollar. The prices are about 2X what you would expect to pay in the US or Australia. So that ₤5 coffee is actually $10, but you have to think of it as a $5 coffee. Here are some pics from London: 
Tower Bridge (often mistaken for London Bridge. The actual London Bridge was bought by an American and is in Arizona in a lake. London bridge was destroyed many times over the years. Tower Bridge was built a couple of decades ago.)
St. Paul's Cathedral (it was the only building spared by the Germans during WWII bombing in this part of London) 
Church of the Knights Templar (can anyone say Divinci Code? The Templar Knights were actually bankers in the beginning!)
Westminster Abbey
T-Rex in the Natural History Museum
Honey, get the broom. Them damn Velocoraptors are on top of the cabinates again!
Some folks I met along the way...
Bill, you got some smooth lines! No, not William Shatner!
If there was ever a whirlwind tour of London, it was mine. Over the course of 2 walking tours, I got to see most of central London. The Underground system is a beauty if you have an all-day pass and can roughly read a map. The trick is finding the nearest tube station once you are out and about.
Highlights of London:
Templar Church
Westminster Abbey
Lord of the Rings (the musical)
Getting lost many times
So who is this narcissistic prick with pictures of him in his underwear? Oh, that’s me!
It has been such a long time since I wrote anything on here, I am sure my readership has gone to zero. It’s time for a massive update on what I’ve been up to since my bodybuilding show in September. Find a comfortable chair, as this is going to take a while.
Well, immediately after I finished my show and ate half of the food at an Italian restaurant in Perth, (miserable bastard). My other trainee (the guy anybody would be blessed to train) ate more than me, and did so for a week after.
It has been such a long time since I wrote anything on here, I am sure my readership has gone to zero. It’s time for a massive update on what I’ve been up to since my bodybuilding show in September. Find a comfortable chair, as this is going to take a while.
Well, immediately after I finished my show and ate half of the food at an Italian restaurant in Perth, (miserable bastard). My other trainee (the guy anybody would be blessed to train) ate more than me, and did so for a week after.
I went back to Kal to continue training my female competitor for her competition. The whole situation was trying at best, but it taught me an interesting lesson. Never try to train an individual…that’s what life coaches are for. Only try to manage the athlete that they are attempting to be 2 hours out of the 24 hours in a day. Otherwise, you will give yourself ulcers!
Trainee Dani (I shot this in Burswood Park on show day)
Okay, fast forward to December. I had just spent 2 months on site in QLD, and I came back to Kalgoorlie to pack my bags for my international trip that would take place at the end of January. I got sauced on Christmas Eve and had an unfortunate run-in with a Hill’s Hoist (a medieval torture device/rotating clothesline that dots Aussie backyards across the country). I wrecked my eye, but kept partying like a champ. It seems every time I drink in mass quantities, I experience something that makes me more and more Australian. The number of Aussie youths impaled by a Hill’s Hoist during summertime cricket games would be mind-boggling I’m sure. Add a pissed-up Seppo to the count now. So then I go back to Cannington on New Year’s Eve.
Fast forward again to January 25th. I fly off of site to Townsville, where I proceed to the bar to meet up with an old friend who now lives and works above the arctic circle in Canada. Booze, food, you know the deal. One of the group decides we should move the party somewhere else, like the pub. Half of the group leaves, and it is down to 5 of us (2 of which are uni vacation students who work at the mine). So we proceed to do what we do, like Jaegar bombs and “suitcases”. Let me explain the suitcase. 1 shot of Jack Daniels, 1 shot of lime juice. Mix in the mouth and hold it until the “suitcase master” tells you to swallow. It’s all about punishment. Your entire mouth goes numb, and once you do swallow it, lime and Jacks is not what you would call the ultimate in taste sensations! I decide at 4am it is time to leave, as I have a taxi coming at 4:45am to take me to the airport to board the series of 4 flights that would land me in New Orleans over the course of the next 18 hours. Shower, pack, taxi, fly, fly, fly, fly…The Big Easy, yay!
Two of the perpitrators of the pre-flight festivities
So I do this conference thingy, where I present a paper that either nobody understands, or it is so magnificently written that nobody can criticize a single word. Bourbon Street is tame the week before Mardi Gras, and just as I’m leaving N.O., people start arriving for the festivities. My next few stops are as such: Arkansas, Texas, Arkansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Texas. Each stop had its highs and lows, riddled with a couple of drunken tirades (thanks to beer, beer pong, wine, and liquor). As I remember the events:
1) Being the “significant other” at a hospital….pull the plug!
2) Boozin’ it up with the chicas at a swank club in D-town
3) My first encounter with real sushi and a faucet that was an engineers’ nightmare
4) Blue Hawaii Boone’s Farm
5) Redneck B-boys
6) Curiously ignorant wife sending her husband off to copulate with another crack-head girl
7) Beer pong with youngsters (where I got my ass handed to me)
8) Tearing a tin roof off
9) Ice storm
10) Midnight run to Tunica
11) Sassy waitress in the Flying Saucer and Irish Car Bombs
12) Losing my ass in Tunica (X 5)
13) Having enough comp points to buy a meal in Tunica (high-roller, baby)
14) Italian dinner with a moderately temperamental young lady
15) Ghost Hunters International
16) Texas Frightmare Weekend with bubby (see below with Malachai from Children of the Corn)
All in all, a fully-booked trip. I may go back and fill in some of the blanks, but don’t count on it.
So then I board a plane in Dallas for London. This is my first time in Europe, and I am looking forward to getting the stamp of another continent in my passport. I land in London, take the train into the city to my hostel, and store my bags. 1 hour after I arrive, I am on a walking tour of “Old London”, starting at the Tower Bridge and ending near Westminster lane. 3 hours of information and a great way to earmark the places you would like to go back to eventually if you had more time. The guide was excellent (thank you James), and the tour was technically free, but they did accept donations. It was a great tour, so I gave him 15 quid (roughly $30). Now there is something you have to understand about London. The GBP is about 2X the USD and the Aussie dollar, but you have to think of it as a dollar. The prices are about 2X what you would expect to pay in the US or Australia. So that ₤5 coffee is actually $10, but you have to think of it as a $5 coffee. Here are some pics from London:
Buckingham Palace (The Queen was in based on 4 guards and the flag)
St James Palace (the prince's crib)
Look kids....this is actually St Stephen's Clock Tower. Big Ben is the bell in the tower.
Look kids....this is actually St Stephen's Clock Tower. Big Ben is the bell in the tower.Tower Bridge (often mistaken for London Bridge. The actual London Bridge was bought by an American and is in Arizona in a lake. London bridge was destroyed many times over the years. Tower Bridge was built a couple of decades ago.)St. Paul's Cathedral (it was the only building spared by the Germans during WWII bombing in this part of London) Church of the Knights Templar (can anyone say Divinci Code? The Templar Knights were actually bankers in the beginning!)Westminster AbbeyT-Rex in the Natural History MuseumHoney, get the broom. Them damn Velocoraptors are on top of the cabinates again!Some folks I met along the way...Bill, you got some smooth lines! No, not William Shatner!If there was ever a whirlwind tour of London, it was mine. Over the course of 2 walking tours, I got to see most of central London. The Underground system is a beauty if you have an all-day pass and can roughly read a map. The trick is finding the nearest tube station once you are out and about.
Highlights of London:
Templar Church
Westminster Abbey
Lord of the Rings (the musical)
Getting lost many times
Italian women!
VanGogh’s in the British Museum
Less that Spectacular:
Madame Tussaud’s (if you are alone)
Natural History Museum (except the dinosaurs, they were cool. And the big-ass room of rocks)
Piccadilly Circus
I have to say The Lord of the Rings musical sounds lame, but it was at the Royal Drury Theatre (the longest running theatre in London). Once you settled into the fact that it is not the movie, and that someone other than Elijah Wood can play Frodo, it was highly enjoyable. The theatre was kitted out wonderfully, the stage props were great, and the performances were spectacular. My date and I were upgraded in seats to fill the bottom tier, which put us in a grand position. During a short intermission, orcs were terrorising the audience members in grand fashion. The best prop was the Spider queen. Friggin’ brilliant. My “date” was Suzanne, and American import to Italy. She was staying at the same hostel. Good times.
So once I left London via Heathrow (which was not all that bad other than getting selected to be X-rayed), I took a short hop to Singapore and then to Perth. I slept about 8 of the 12 hours to Singapore, and got into Perth way early in the morning.
Aussie adventures the last 3 weekends will have to come in another blog, though. I’ll just let you in on a tidbit. My life looked uncommonly like that of a socialite, or an alcoholic, not sure which!
VanGogh’s in the British Museum
Less that Spectacular:
Madame Tussaud’s (if you are alone)
Natural History Museum (except the dinosaurs, they were cool. And the big-ass room of rocks)
Piccadilly Circus
I have to say The Lord of the Rings musical sounds lame, but it was at the Royal Drury Theatre (the longest running theatre in London). Once you settled into the fact that it is not the movie, and that someone other than Elijah Wood can play Frodo, it was highly enjoyable. The theatre was kitted out wonderfully, the stage props were great, and the performances were spectacular. My date and I were upgraded in seats to fill the bottom tier, which put us in a grand position. During a short intermission, orcs were terrorising the audience members in grand fashion. The best prop was the Spider queen. Friggin’ brilliant. My “date” was Suzanne, and American import to Italy. She was staying at the same hostel. Good times.
So once I left London via Heathrow (which was not all that bad other than getting selected to be X-rayed), I took a short hop to Singapore and then to Perth. I slept about 8 of the 12 hours to Singapore, and got into Perth way early in the morning.
Aussie adventures the last 3 weekends will have to come in another blog, though. I’ll just let you in on a tidbit. My life looked uncommonly like that of a socialite, or an alcoholic, not sure which!
