Sunday, September 24, 2006
And the Skeletons Do a Line Dance....PHIL Sighting imminent
This is all fiction...no really. The story is about a friend of mine, Phil. You have all met Phil. He has a penchance for corroborating with unsavoury characters, and committing moral atrocities. I, unfortunately have to witness these first hand (pun intended), unless I am lucky enough to be passed out before he misbehaves. That's one way to keep him reeled in. He's not strong enough to drag my 83kg of dead weight around...hah hah. Unless he figures out that he can strike a deal with his cousins on the other end of town and they can help carry me around even though the old brain is switched off. Phil's tale of debauchery...
As told by the rascal himself, Phil.
I've never really thought about a political career. In fact, I don't want one, or at least not one where a few personal infringements of the law would keep me out or get me fired. I have decided, after much deliberation, to air out my dirty laundry so that anybody trying to collect incriminating facts about me in the future can have it all in one nice little packet. 10 years from now (or even 10 minutes from now), I will probably regret what I am about to write. I know the poor sap that I'm carrying around with me will pay for this (this 6' stunning bronze god with rippling abs and amazing hands...hey, I'll toot my own horn when I can, lord knows this guy isn't getting me any action!)
For the last few years, I have lived under the premise of an "open book" policy. I will answer any question about myself, no matter how personal, but will not divulge incriminating facts willy-nilly without being posed with a question. There are plenty of things I have done in my life that I am embarrassed about, but nothing that I am ashamed of. That's probably because I don't do things that I will be ashamed about later....it keeps me under some level of legal and moral control. Plus, they have transformed me into the finger I am today.
My children one day will resurrect this blog from the archives after the great computer revolution and we are living in the sewers, hiding from all the blood-thirsty robots (don't ask me why a robot would want or need to taste human blood, but it makes the story better). And these are ROBOTS, not high tech cyborgs with polymetallic skeleton and human flesh overlay. These robots are slow, clumsy, can't turn to the left, and have blinking lights and ringing bells, like Robbie, and are the size of Cadillacs. They can't smell, and vision is in the form of 56Kb streaming video over an overworked dial-up network, so they don't see well....but they are bloodthirsty, so if they ever did catch a crafty and highly agile human, they would chow down. Okay, so the robots aren't a threat and we are just hanging out in the sewer looking at turds float by like little fecal sailboats. Normally we would be at home and just duck behind the couch when the robots come by looking for a feed...wait, where was I? Oh yeah, so my hypothetical future kid finds this blog, and he/she/it (we don't know what kind of inter-species mating will go on in the future after the war) sees all of the naughty things their old man had been up to before he went on the path of righteousness in his 80's (By that point I'll be 120, going through my midlife crisis after the World gov't starts giving growth hormone out like Skittles). They say, "Daddy, was that actually illegal back then?" "They were different times then, DFHtsdgrfe23fefr456 and bub" (all the good names were taken by then, so I picked DFHtsdgrfe23fefr456 after passing out on my keyboard. Plus, it had a nice ring. We call her DFHtsdgrfe23fefr for short). So here is the list. The skeletons are now coming out of the closet, doing a line dance to Achy Breaky Heart as they drag my reputation to ruin. I hope you all enjoy this humiliating and spirit-freeing exercise in humility. I know my buddy, the Fleetwood Express (as he likes to call himself...how pathetic. Delusions of grandeur) will not like it, and I will have to press the "Publish" button while he is looking away, as he would be guilty by association. Even the accomplices become somebody's bitch in the slammer...moreso because he is a silent observer and not quite the badass I am...plus I have no sphincter to be violated. Enjoy the rogering, buddy!
Here they are, in all my glory...
Illegal things (booze & drug related):
-I have imbibed in alcoholic beverages while under the legal drinking age
-I have "contributed to the delinquency of minors" by purchasing alcohol for those under the legal drinking age.
-I have taken someone elses prescription medication for therapeutic and non-therapeutic purposes
-I have taken non-prescription formulations for recreational purposes (only once)
- I have taken scheduled substances for aesthetic purposes
Illegal things (road things):
- I have knowingly and willfully driven in excess of the posted speed limit
- I have, on occasion, not ceased my forward motion at stop lights/stop signs.
- I have, stupidly, operated a motor vehicle over the legal blood alcohol content
Illegal things (other):
-I have taken items that did not belong to me
Morally Reprehensible things:
- I have lied
- I have cheated on exams by using additional formulas written on extra "scratch paper". Never copied answers from someone else or attempted to obtain answers before the exam.
- I have helped others cheat by being the "answer guy" from whom they took answers
- I have cheated during a relationship
- I have made fun of those with physical or mental handicaps, or the disadvantages
- I have used derogatory racial slurs
- I have dropped the "C-Bomb"
-I have flatulated in confined spaces or at inopportune times
That's about all I can think of. The top few would probably land me in jail for a couple of years, but of course there is no precedence for prosecuting a rogue appendage.
There are plenty of things that I believe have kept the karma police off of my back, though.
Good things:
-I have given to numorous charities and people in need
-I have bought more damn magazines from kids trying to win trips that I could ever read. I still haven't received one batch that I ordered like 1.5 years ago!
-I have bought plenty of cleaning items from drunken derelicts trying to get money for their next fix (I still say I paid $20 for Simple Green in a spraybottle in WY)
-I have been the rock on which many have strapped their anchors in the storm
-I have lent money to many in a time of need with no intention of collecting it back (you are not off the hook, Scott)
-I have been kind to stray animals and children (not stray children)
- I have never taken advantage of an intoxicated female ( that would be regretful, which I don't do)
- I have purchased books from religious groups of which I had no interest
- I have tipped ludicrously high amounts for those who appeared to need it (if they need the money, they will be working their arses off for you)
- I have allowed ignorant people to tell me what they know about absolutely nothing without burning them to the ground and shattering their cracked porcelain facade
- I have saved insects in peril, and re-released them into the wild
- I have always "given a penny". Never "taken one"
After all is said and done, I guess I live a somewhat charmed life. Things don't get handed to me (no pun intended), but they seem to fall into place. Hard work and risk-taking have paid off for the most part (except for the almost dying 3 or so times between the age of 20 and 30). I guess I could have gotten a worse body to ride along with, although he does scratch his testicles a bit too much...but lucky me, he prefers to scratch with his right hand (sorry, brother). When it's all said and done, I think the bad things I have done aren't all that bad...mostly misdemeanors or something that could be plea-bargained to a suspended sentence and community service...maybe even supervised probation. To all of those riding the train of probation, stick it out (you know who I'm talking to...both of you). Hang tough and keep that nose clean...all will be admonished soon enough.
That's the tale of me, Phil Anje, the way it should be told. No pussy-footing around because I am the baddest little digit you'll ever meet...Word! I'm not hip-hop or gangsta. I'm an Indian outlaw (well, somewhere between 1/4 and 1/16th)...so you better recognise before you get a tom-tom upside your freshly scalped noggin....oh wait, I'm from a peaceful tribe...got any shiny beads, I have pristine woodlands!
A shot out to two of the most entertaining people on the web...miss Doxie (www.missdoxie.com) and Mike (aka Azn Steve) from Youtube. When work is slow, you keep me awake!
This is all fiction...no really. The story is about a friend of mine, Phil. You have all met Phil. He has a penchance for corroborating with unsavoury characters, and committing moral atrocities. I, unfortunately have to witness these first hand (pun intended), unless I am lucky enough to be passed out before he misbehaves. That's one way to keep him reeled in. He's not strong enough to drag my 83kg of dead weight around...hah hah. Unless he figures out that he can strike a deal with his cousins on the other end of town and they can help carry me around even though the old brain is switched off. Phil's tale of debauchery...
As told by the rascal himself, Phil.
I've never really thought about a political career. In fact, I don't want one, or at least not one where a few personal infringements of the law would keep me out or get me fired. I have decided, after much deliberation, to air out my dirty laundry so that anybody trying to collect incriminating facts about me in the future can have it all in one nice little packet. 10 years from now (or even 10 minutes from now), I will probably regret what I am about to write. I know the poor sap that I'm carrying around with me will pay for this (this 6' stunning bronze god with rippling abs and amazing hands...hey, I'll toot my own horn when I can, lord knows this guy isn't getting me any action!)
For the last few years, I have lived under the premise of an "open book" policy. I will answer any question about myself, no matter how personal, but will not divulge incriminating facts willy-nilly without being posed with a question. There are plenty of things I have done in my life that I am embarrassed about, but nothing that I am ashamed of. That's probably because I don't do things that I will be ashamed about later....it keeps me under some level of legal and moral control. Plus, they have transformed me into the finger I am today.
My children one day will resurrect this blog from the archives after the great computer revolution and we are living in the sewers, hiding from all the blood-thirsty robots (don't ask me why a robot would want or need to taste human blood, but it makes the story better). And these are ROBOTS, not high tech cyborgs with polymetallic skeleton and human flesh overlay. These robots are slow, clumsy, can't turn to the left, and have blinking lights and ringing bells, like Robbie, and are the size of Cadillacs. They can't smell, and vision is in the form of 56Kb streaming video over an overworked dial-up network, so they don't see well....but they are bloodthirsty, so if they ever did catch a crafty and highly agile human, they would chow down. Okay, so the robots aren't a threat and we are just hanging out in the sewer looking at turds float by like little fecal sailboats. Normally we would be at home and just duck behind the couch when the robots come by looking for a feed...wait, where was I? Oh yeah, so my hypothetical future kid finds this blog, and he/she/it (we don't know what kind of inter-species mating will go on in the future after the war) sees all of the naughty things their old man had been up to before he went on the path of righteousness in his 80's (By that point I'll be 120, going through my midlife crisis after the World gov't starts giving growth hormone out like Skittles). They say, "Daddy, was that actually illegal back then?" "They were different times then, DFHtsdgrfe23fefr456 and bub" (all the good names were taken by then, so I picked DFHtsdgrfe23fefr456 after passing out on my keyboard. Plus, it had a nice ring. We call her DFHtsdgrfe23fefr for short). So here is the list. The skeletons are now coming out of the closet, doing a line dance to Achy Breaky Heart as they drag my reputation to ruin. I hope you all enjoy this humiliating and spirit-freeing exercise in humility. I know my buddy, the Fleetwood Express (as he likes to call himself...how pathetic. Delusions of grandeur) will not like it, and I will have to press the "Publish" button while he is looking away, as he would be guilty by association. Even the accomplices become somebody's bitch in the slammer...moreso because he is a silent observer and not quite the badass I am...plus I have no sphincter to be violated. Enjoy the rogering, buddy!
Here they are, in all my glory...
Illegal things (booze & drug related):
-I have imbibed in alcoholic beverages while under the legal drinking age
-I have "contributed to the delinquency of minors" by purchasing alcohol for those under the legal drinking age.
-I have taken someone elses prescription medication for therapeutic and non-therapeutic purposes
-I have taken non-prescription formulations for recreational purposes (only once)
- I have taken scheduled substances for aesthetic purposes
Illegal things (road things):
- I have knowingly and willfully driven in excess of the posted speed limit
- I have, on occasion, not ceased my forward motion at stop lights/stop signs.
- I have, stupidly, operated a motor vehicle over the legal blood alcohol content
Illegal things (other):
-I have taken items that did not belong to me
Morally Reprehensible things:
- I have lied
- I have cheated on exams by using additional formulas written on extra "scratch paper". Never copied answers from someone else or attempted to obtain answers before the exam.
- I have helped others cheat by being the "answer guy" from whom they took answers
- I have cheated during a relationship
- I have made fun of those with physical or mental handicaps, or the disadvantages
- I have used derogatory racial slurs
- I have dropped the "C-Bomb"
-I have flatulated in confined spaces or at inopportune times
That's about all I can think of. The top few would probably land me in jail for a couple of years, but of course there is no precedence for prosecuting a rogue appendage.
There are plenty of things that I believe have kept the karma police off of my back, though.
Good things:
-I have given to numorous charities and people in need
-I have bought more damn magazines from kids trying to win trips that I could ever read. I still haven't received one batch that I ordered like 1.5 years ago!
-I have bought plenty of cleaning items from drunken derelicts trying to get money for their next fix (I still say I paid $20 for Simple Green in a spraybottle in WY)
-I have been the rock on which many have strapped their anchors in the storm
-I have lent money to many in a time of need with no intention of collecting it back (you are not off the hook, Scott)
-I have been kind to stray animals and children (not stray children)
- I have never taken advantage of an intoxicated female ( that would be regretful, which I don't do)
- I have purchased books from religious groups of which I had no interest
- I have tipped ludicrously high amounts for those who appeared to need it (if they need the money, they will be working their arses off for you)
- I have allowed ignorant people to tell me what they know about absolutely nothing without burning them to the ground and shattering their cracked porcelain facade
- I have saved insects in peril, and re-released them into the wild
- I have always "given a penny". Never "taken one"
After all is said and done, I guess I live a somewhat charmed life. Things don't get handed to me (no pun intended), but they seem to fall into place. Hard work and risk-taking have paid off for the most part (except for the almost dying 3 or so times between the age of 20 and 30). I guess I could have gotten a worse body to ride along with, although he does scratch his testicles a bit too much...but lucky me, he prefers to scratch with his right hand (sorry, brother). When it's all said and done, I think the bad things I have done aren't all that bad...mostly misdemeanors or something that could be plea-bargained to a suspended sentence and community service...maybe even supervised probation. To all of those riding the train of probation, stick it out (you know who I'm talking to...both of you). Hang tough and keep that nose clean...all will be admonished soon enough.
That's the tale of me, Phil Anje, the way it should be told. No pussy-footing around because I am the baddest little digit you'll ever meet...Word! I'm not hip-hop or gangsta. I'm an Indian outlaw (well, somewhere between 1/4 and 1/16th)...so you better recognise before you get a tom-tom upside your freshly scalped noggin....oh wait, I'm from a peaceful tribe...got any shiny beads, I have pristine woodlands!
A shot out to two of the most entertaining people on the web...miss Doxie (www.missdoxie.com) and Mike (aka Azn Steve) from Youtube. When work is slow, you keep me awake!
# posted by K-Fleet-13 @ 9:50 PM 
