Seppo Down Under

LOSIN' IT...

So it is official. I have lost my beloved half-Southern drawl. I shall have a memorial service soon, and all of it's old friends will be invited. The Nor-Dakodan uptalk everquestion accent from my days in the tundra. The plain-Jane void of character Missouri accent. The ever-so-slightly Aussie twang from my first stint in Oz. The deep West-Texas drawl that took over for about a week while hanging out with the boys from Zephyr....they'll all be there. The eulogy will be given by my newest incarnation which is a diluted combination of Canadian/Australian uptalk and something else of which I have no explanation.

(Uptalk is where almost every word has an upward intonation, like a series of small questions all rolled into one big sentence that may or may not be a question in and of itself. Alot of Aussies talk like this...also alot of Canadians)

So how do I know I've lost it? Well, because I hear it every time I open my mouth. Everybody else hears it as well. I was on the radio the other day calling up a loader operator to get permission to enter his level, and he granted permission in the belief I was the acting mine manager. This particular manager is from Montana, and I would confidently place him on either side of the maple-leaf border. It was this point where I became aware that my beloved drawl had, in fact, flown North for the summer (as I'm in the Southern hemisphere and all). This causes me a bit of angst, as I have always seen myself as a bit of a Southern person, and it was my novelty while living in the Northern states.

Technically, I am not Southern. Missouri is not a "Southern" state, although alot of people "up North" believe it to be nestled ever so comfortably between Louisiana and Alabama thanks to a less than spectacular public school education. To set the record straight, Missouri is right at the crossroads of pretty much everything. It's where the Mississippi meets the Missouri river. It's not far from the geographical center of the US landmass (I think that's in Kansas). The only thing that makes it southern is the fact that there is a bit of cotton farming in the bootheel area, and it was a swing state when the state constitution was ratified, meaning both sides were fighting for it over slavery rights. Our neighbour to the South, Arkansas, is considered "mid-South". MO's neighbours to the West and North, Kansas and Iowa, are Great Plains states. To the East is Illinois, which is kind of Appalachian, but mostly plains. MO also neighbours Oklahoma, Texas, Nebraska, a little of Louisiana, and Tennessee...hodgepodge! So what would Missouri be? We have the metro areas of KC and StLouis, the cotton farms and lead mines in the east part of the state, the Hillbillies in the Southern part, and a town called Knob Noster. When I lived in the great state of Arkansas, I was called a "Yankee", even though I was a whopping 4 hours South of where I grew up. In NoDak, I was called a "Southern boy". Pretty much everywhere else, I answer to "dickhead".

So I'm geographically almost Southern, and proudly 50% Hillbilly (Mom's side are not hillbillies). I was raised with somewhat Southern values, and that has confused/frustrated many people along the pathway of my life...mostly females who have never been exposed to it. I am convinced that the ghost of Robert E. Lee would haunt me if I let a female pay a check in front of me in good conscience. If a female opens a door or pulls a chair in front of me, I will scowl to signal my discontent. My grandfather in heaven would recruit Zeus to whack my pee-pee off with a lightening bolt if I raised my voice to a woman, and strike me dead if a ever raised a hand to one. I believe in women's rights, and liberation, but chivalry and Southern hospitality are NOT dead. I believe that most women outside the "deep South" do not understand this, as they have never been exposed to it. The younger generations of males are not being taught to be kind, patient, loyal, and protective of the opposite sex. One of the worst phrases in the English vocabulary is "going dutch"...meaning each party paying half on a date (not actually visiting the spectacular Netherlands (hi Hanaka)). And now you're saying, "Sooooooo. What is this about?"

Take it from me, Aussies just don't understand........

This would be the next song Will Smith (sorry, I mean the Fresh Prince) would record if he were to live in Oz for a while. I became aware of one particularly Southern thing that Australians don't get. I was sitting down to dinner the other night with a plate of roast beef, vegetables, and a couple of slices of watermelon. The people at the table looked at me like I had a 3rd foot growing out of my forehead.....and it was singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy"....in a bad Scottish accent....while wiggling it's toes and playing one of those no-hands harmonicas.

They were absolutely blown away that watermelon could exist on the same plate as "dinner food" without causing a rip in the space-time continuum. I proceeded to calmly explain that you don't get decent watermelon for more than a couple of weeks a year during the summer back in the States, so when it's ripe you eat the mess out of it until you can't stomach it anymore. Now I believe that eating watermelon is a Southern thing....or maybe I'm just a watermelon freak! I then asked them about my choice of watermelon with my scrambled eggs at breakfast...apparently the foot sprung 3 more toes and struck up a chorus of "Pour Some Sugar on Me". They were in utter disbelief. I'm not talking about dicing it up and frying it into an omelet...just occupying the same space on a plate (and in my stomach) as scrambled eggs.

This got me to thinking about the other Southern/American things that Aussies have no appreciation for. I don't blame them, as they have not really been exposed them due to either import restrictions, outright "nothavingit-ness", or lack of proper marketing by the manufacturers in the States. These are daily-life intricacies that don't normally show up in the TV or movies that they get over here from the States, so they are shocked to hear about it, and even more shocked to see a real American doing it.

These are things I've noticed that shocked people when they saw me do it, or you just can't get the product it in Oz:

Things I do that Aussies freak out about:

1) spread peanut butter on toast
2) eat watermelon with any/every meal
3) not put milk in my coffee
4) not eat toasted everything sandwiches (they love their toasties)
5) not butter my bread/buns for burgers/sandwiches

Products/foods that Aussies just don't understand:

1) buttermilk biscuits (biscuits are cookies in Oz)
2) Kool-Aid
3) Cool-Whip
4) Diet Mountain Dew (the nectar of the gods)
5) Pop Tarts
6) ballpark franks (hot dogs)
7) pumpkin pie (pumpkin is a side-dish in Oz)
8) sourdough bagels
9) crisp bacon
10) packaged bologna
11) root beer

Things Aussies eat that are different:

1) beetroot on sandwiches(I eat it, too)
2) Vegemite/Promite (which I like now)
3) fried egg on hamburgers
4) brown gravy on everything...especially french fries (chips)(Southern style I guess)

Other things that are not really understood by Aussies:

Daggy sweaters on Christmas (the do BBQ's and go to the beach...summer for them)
Fireworks (illegal in most of Oz)
SUPERBOWL or MLB World Series